Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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