This house was built for laser tag.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
