Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
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