well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
