i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
