oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
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I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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