The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My penis needs a shock collar
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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