there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Don't tell me you're on acid again
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
