evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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