I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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