Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
