I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
