Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
