You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
