His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
