cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
