i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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