bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
