My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?