My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
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I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
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My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.