theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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