Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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