mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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