I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
