i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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