Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
