my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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