I have demons in me.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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