so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
