The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
