i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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