Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
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Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
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Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.