all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
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he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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