the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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