she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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