Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
