Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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