You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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