her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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