Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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