I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
