you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
