I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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