You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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