there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
