Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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