this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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