I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
