So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
