Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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