Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
