I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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