see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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