She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
