Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
