Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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