She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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