He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
